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THE JOLLY FROG: Free speech meets basketcase. Hilarity ensues.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

56. Are My Testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Today's quote: “ Treat you nurse well. ‘I can walk as slow or as fast as I choose to retrieve that pain medication you requested.“

Thursday, December 14, 2017

55. Construction Whodunnit

Construction Whodunnit
A workman was killed at a construction site. The Police began questioning a number of the other workers.

Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Today's quote: Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

54. Doctors, Nurses and Medicos .....

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts.

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?
In the morning each of them says: "200 dollars, please."

Today's quote: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died ~ Emma Bombeck

Monday, December 11, 2017

53. A Jewish man sends his son to Israel

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

Friday, September 16, 2016

52. P.C. Designated Job Titles

In the "good old days", people had jobs such as salesman, salesgirl, toilet cleaner, or a nurse or the bin man, a librarian, a teacher, if a lady was married and did not go "out" to work she was a housewife which snooty-nosed male bank tellers (they always seemed to be male), put down as "h.d.". When you went to open a bank account, the teller would ask what your job was, you would say you were married with children, then you got the dreaded "h.d.". I once asked what h.d. was and was told "home duties". Clearly you were of no value. Hmm....the world has come a long way since then.

A friend many years ago said when asked what her work was, would say she was a domestic engineer! I thought that was brilliant. Totally brilliant and adopted that myself. Of course, in today's politically correct narrow-minded little world, we have job titles such as

1. A worldwide marine asset financial analyst - an accountant.
2. Coordinator of interpretive teaching - a museum tour guide
3. A direct debit and membership and professional development stock and credit administrator – customer services administrator
4. Information adviser – a Librarian
5. Waste management and disposal technician – a bin man (you know, the chappy that empties your rubbish bin every week).

Some even more notable titles which might just have you guessing, what would be if you were a wet leisure assistant? Why, a lifeguard of course!

And if you worked as a modality manager? A nurse.

There is a vacancy going for an Investment development and research analyst. What's that, I hear you ask? Well my dears, that is a "Technical helpdesk worker"!

A mate worked as a family protection consultant – he was an insurance telesales worker - in other words selling insurance over the phone.

One of the most loved jobs would be working as a Debt management officer / Field force agent..... the tax man or tax collector.

Today's quote: Political correctness is about denial, usually in the weasel circumlocutory jargon which distorts and evades and seldom stands up to honest analysis ~ George MacDonald Fraser

Monday, September 12, 2016

51. Painting

There was a painter name of Andy who was a bit tight-fisted and always tried to make a penny where he could, so he'd often thin his paint to make it go further. He got away with it for some time, but the Church needed to do a big restoration job that involved the painting of one of its biggest churches. Andy put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

He erected the trestles and set up the planks, bought the paint and, yes, thinned it down. Anyway he was up on the scaffolding, painting (the job was nearly completed) when suddenly there was big flash of lightning, thunder, and the sky opened and it poured buckets.
The torrential rain washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Andy off the scaffold and on to the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned paint.

Andy knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more

The Painting Job
One day, an out-of-work man knocked on the door of a home in an upper-class neighbourhood. The lady of the house answered. "Pardon me Missus, I'm out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting..."

"Painting?" the lady quickly asked.

"Oh, yes, Missus, I'm a very careful painter," the man replied, his face brightening realising she could offer him some work.

"I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out the back, but we haven't had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him.

"Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I'll pay you an extra bonus."

"Oh yes, Missus, I'll do an excellent job!" He was told the paint was also around the back in the garage.

A few hours later, the man returned to the door.

"That was quick, did you do a good job?" the lady asked.

"Oh yes Missus, two coats! But there's something you should know," the man said.

"That's not a Porsche, that's a Mercedes!"

Painting the Dunny
A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country dunny, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom.

Panicking at finding himself neck-deep in crap, he shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs.

The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens roaring as they approached the privy. "Where's the fire?" called the chief.

"No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled, 'Shit! Shit! Shit!' who would have rescued me?"

Today's quote: Everyone said to Vincent Van Gogh, "You can't be a great painter you have only one ear" And you know what he said? "I can't hear you!"

Friday, July 15, 2016

49. Horticulture

So Potentilla erecta walks up to Eriophorum vaginatum...

Did you hear about Annie Algae meeting Frank Fungus? They took a Lichen to each other.

Now I hear their relationship is on the rocks!

If you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter, you get Pumpkin pi.

Q. How does an old fern begin its stories?
A. Well, bracken the day.....

Q. Can you identify this brand of beer?

A. Swinus Americanus. Genus Sus.

Sedges, like hedges, have edges. Grasses, like asses, have holes

Sedges have edges, rushes are round and grasses have joints when the cops aren't around.

Two squirrels are sitting in a tree and they see a sapling on the forest floor. The first squirrel says, "That's a son of a birch".
The second squirrel says, "No, that's a son of a beech".

Quote of the day: With fronds like these, who needs anemones?