There was a painter name of Andy who was a bit tight-fisted and always tried to make a penny where he could, so he'd often thin his paint to make it go further. He got away with it for some time, but the Church needed to do a big restoration job that involved the painting of one of its biggest churches. Andy put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
He erected the trestles and set up the planks, bought the paint and, yes, thinned it down. Anyway he was up on the scaffolding, painting (the job was nearly completed) when suddenly there was big flash of lightning, thunder, and the sky opened and it poured buckets.
The torrential rain washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Andy off the scaffold and on to the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned paint.
Andy knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
And thin no more
The Painting Job
One day, an out-of-work man knocked on the door of a home in an upper-class neighbourhood. The lady of the house answered. "Pardon me Missus, I'm out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting..."
"Painting?" the lady quickly asked.
"Oh, yes, Missus, I'm a very careful painter," the man replied, his face brightening realising she could offer him some work.
"I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out the back, but we haven't had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him.
"Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I'll pay you an extra bonus."
"Oh yes, Missus, I'll do an excellent job!" He was told the paint was also around the back in the garage.
A few hours later, the man returned to the door.
"That was quick, did you do a good job?" the lady asked.
"Oh yes Missus, two coats! But there's something you should know," the man said.
"That's not a Porsche, that's a Mercedes!"
Painting the Dunny
A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country dunny, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom.
Panicking at finding himself neck-deep in crap, he shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs.
The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens roaring as they approached the privy. "Where's the fire?" called the chief.
"No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled, 'Shit! Shit! Shit!' who would have rescued me?"
Today's quote: Everyone said to Vincent Van Gogh, "You can't be a great painter you have only one ear" And you know what he said? "I can't hear you!"