I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
You were looking good from afar.. now you're far from looking good.
Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control!
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem?
Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Love your enemies.. it pisses them off.
The human race is lucky I'm a nice guy, otherwise only 1/4 of them would be alive right now.
A paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
If you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?
Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
A committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I like work, It fascinates me! I can sit and look at it for hours.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I'm not sure what's wrong... But it's probably your fault!
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
People are seldom too busy to stop and tell you how busy they are.
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Sometimes I just sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Your talents will be recognised and suitably rewarded.
You can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true.
The world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).
I'm smiling. This should scare you.
Sending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here).
What you do on your own time's just fine. My imagination's much worse, I just never want to know.
Deep down I'm a very shallow person.
If a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two.
Before you insult somebody you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you insult them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!
I was wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer then it hit me.
If worms had guns, birds wouldn't mess with them.
I never admit or deny anything it makes me more interesting.
Don't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.
My parents almost lost me as a child, but they didn't take me far enough into the woods. Every one has a list of problems and issues. But I am #1 on everyone's list.
We're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be beating up on people.
We American's, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the weaponry to make the difference.
I fight for what I believe in. I am a mercenary, and I believe in money.
If I want your opinion, I'll read it in your entrails.
Assassins Inc. We aim to please.
I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.
Limiting the freedom of news 'just a little bit' is in the same category with the classic example a little bit pregnant.
Get plenty of sleep. Be kind to your mind. You'll miss it when it's gone.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much. You're not that good.
Dance, even if you have to warn others to get out of the way first.
Intelligent doesn't have to mean educated. And Creative doesn't have to mean talented.
Bullshit: the art of making the idiotic sound sensible.
Angry people need hugs (or sharp objects).
The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*
High on life- and glue!
By the time you read this you've already read it.
Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you.