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THE JOLLY FROG: Free speech meets basketcase. Hilarity ensues.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

11. The Parenting Test

Feeling "clucky"? Been admiring the darling little niece/nephew? Thinking, "Oh, wouldn't it be lovely to have a baby"?

Wait, Stop - how do you know if you're ready to be a parent? It's easy - take the parenting test.

Lesson One
Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

Lesson Two - Night Test
1. Between the hours of 5 pm and 10 pm, tune a radio to loud static and walk around the lounge room carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 6 kg.
2. Put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Between 12 and 1 am get up and walk around the lounge room again, with the bag.
4. Set the alarm for 3 am.
5. 2 am; Get up and make a drink so you can get back to sleep.
6. 2.45 am; Go back to bed.
7. 3 am; Get up, the alarm went off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. Again, with the wet bag.
9. Set the alarm for 5 am.
10. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Lesson Three - Mess Test
1.Smear peanut butter onto the couch and jam onto the curtains.
2. Stick your fingers in poo. Rub them on clean walls.
3. Cover the stains with crayons.
4. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Lesson Four - Dressing Test
1. Buy an octopus - a live one of course and a small bag made of loose mesh.
2.Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Lesson Five - Shopping Test
1.Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you when you go to the supermarket.
2. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Lesson Six - Creativity Test
1. Take an egg carton.
2. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into a crocodile.
3. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper.
4. Using only sticky tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
5. Take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball and an empty Coco Pops packet.
6. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Lesson Seven - Feeding Test
1. Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
2. Suspend from the ceiling with a sturdy cord. Start the jug swinging.
3. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Coco Pops or Fruit Loops) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an aeroplane.
4. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Lesson Eight - Travel Test I
1.Buy a chocolate ice-cream cone and put it in the glove box of your car. Leave it there.
2. Get a dollar coin. Stick it in the cassette/CD player.
3.Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them into the back seat.
4. Run a rake along both sides of the car.
There. Perfect.

Lesson Nine - Hearing Test
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "Mummy" repeatedly.
2. Leave no more than a four-second delay between each "Mummy".
3. Include an occasional crescendo of this sound to the decibel level of a supersonic jet.
4. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.

Lesson Ten - Travel Test II
1. Borrow a pitbull terrier.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pitbull in the seat.

Okay, now you're ready.

Edited to add: Final Assignment
Find a couple who have a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet-training, and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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