59. Smoking is BAd for your Health !?!

Please Note: This post was written on 6th February, 2018, which was exactly two years to the day that I stopped smoking. Unfortunately, I forgot to post it. 
The Author.

It is two years since I stopped smoking and after smoking for forty-seven years, I finally stopped. No patches, no stopping and starting, stopping and starting. I gave them up not because I was forced to, not because it was bad for my health, and not even because of the price - I gave up because I wanted to. I t was the right time for me to stop. I had been thinking for a while about stopping smoking - I'd have a couple of fags, then get anogher one and as I was about to light it, I'd pull a bit of a face, look at the cigarette with a grimace and think, urkg, I don't really want this, But then the other part of me said, but I want it, I need it. I'd have this back and forth thing with myself and of course, I always lit it.


Definition
CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

Twilight Nursing Home
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any chemists."

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The chap looks at her rather strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

All aboard
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, let's go"

"This one's empty ... no-one's looking... you go in first"

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"

Sniff sniff

"Ah perfume - you think of everything"

"This is great....." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

Today's quote: It has been proven that all people who smoke die... It has also been proven that all people who don't smoke die too!

58. Heaven and Hell

Heaven

is where

the cooks are French,

the police are British,

the mechanics are German,

the lovers are Italian

and

everything is organised by the Swiss.

Hell

is where

the cooks are British,

the police are German,

the mechanics are French,

the lovers are Swiss,

and

everything is organised by the Italians.

Today's quote: “I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.” ― Peter Ustinov

57. Public Conversations

So,
I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said, "Hi!, how are you?"

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine."

The voice said, "So what are you up to?"

I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!".

He said, "Can I come over?".

Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now".

The voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions."

Today's quote: Notice: Gentlemen, your Aim will help. Stand Closer, it's Shorter than you Think!

56. Are My Testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Today's quote: “ Treat you nurse well. ‘I can walk as slow or as fast as I choose to retrieve that pain medication you requested.“

55. Construction Whodunnit

Construction Whodunnit
A workman was killed at a construction site. The Police began questioning a number of the other workers.

Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Today's quote: Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

54. Doctors, Nurses and Medicos .....

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts.

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?
In the morning each of them says: "200 dollars, please."

Today's quote: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died ~ Emma Bombeck

53. A Jewish man sends his son to Israel

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

52. P.C. Designated Job Titles

In the "good old days", people had jobs such as salesman, salesgirl, toilet cleaner, or a nurse or the bin man, a librarian, a teacher, if a lady was married and did not go "out" to work she was a housewife which snooty-nosed male bank tellers (they always seemed to be male), put down as "h.d.". When you went to open a bank account, the teller would ask what your job was, you would say you were married with children, then you got the dreaded "h.d.". I once asked what h.d. was and was told "home duties". Clearly you were of no value. Hmm....the world has come a long way since then.

A friend many years ago said when asked what her work was, would say she was a domestic engineer! I thought that was brilliant. Totally brilliant and adopted that myself. Of course, in today's politically correct narrow-minded little world, we have job titles such as

1. A worldwide marine asset financial analyst - an accountant.
2. Coordinator of interpretive teaching - a museum tour guide
3. A direct debit and membership and professional development stock and credit administrator – customer services administrator
4. Information adviser – a Librarian
5. Waste management and disposal technician – a bin man (you know, the chappy that empties your rubbish bin every week).

Some even more notable titles which might just have you guessing, what would be if you were a wet leisure assistant? Why, a lifeguard of course!

And if you worked as a modality manager? A nurse.

There is a vacancy going for an Investment development and research analyst. What's that, I hear you ask? Well my dears, that is a "Technical helpdesk worker"!

A mate worked as a family protection consultant – he was an insurance telesales worker - in other words selling insurance over the phone.

One of the most loved jobs would be working as a Debt management officer / Field force agent..... the tax man or tax collector.

Today's quote: Political correctness is about denial, usually in the weasel circumlocutory jargon which distorts and evades and seldom stands up to honest analysis ~ George MacDonald Fraser

51. Painting

There was a painter name of Andy who was a bit tight-fisted and always tried to make a penny where he could, so he'd often thin his paint to make it go further. He got away with it for some time, but the Church needed to do a big restoration job that involved the painting of one of its biggest churches. Andy put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

He erected the trestles and set up the planks, bought the paint and, yes, thinned it down. Anyway he was up on the scaffolding, painting (the job was nearly completed) when suddenly there was big flash of lightning, thunder, and the sky opened and it poured buckets.
The torrential rain washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Andy off the scaffold and on to the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned paint.

Andy knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more


The Painting Job
One day, an out-of-work man knocked on the door of a home in an upper-class neighbourhood. The lady of the house answered. "Pardon me Missus, I'm out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting..."

"Painting?" the lady quickly asked.

"Oh, yes, Missus, I'm a very careful painter," the man replied, his face brightening realising she could offer him some work.

"I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out the back, but we haven't had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him.

"Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I'll pay you an extra bonus."

"Oh yes, Missus, I'll do an excellent job!" He was told the paint was also around the back in the garage.

A few hours later, the man returned to the door.

"That was quick, did you do a good job?" the lady asked.

"Oh yes Missus, two coats! But there's something you should know," the man said.

"That's not a Porsche, that's a Mercedes!"

Painting the Dunny
A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country dunny, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom.

Panicking at finding himself neck-deep in crap, he shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs.

The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens roaring as they approached the privy. "Where's the fire?" called the chief.

"No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled, 'Shit! Shit! Shit!' who would have rescued me?"

Today's quote: Everyone said to Vincent Van Gogh, "You can't be a great painter you have only one ear" And you know what he said? "I can't hear you!"

49. Horticulture

So Potentilla erecta walks up to Eriophorum vaginatum...

Did you hear about Annie Algae meeting Frank Fungus? They took a Lichen to each other.

Now I hear their relationship is on the rocks!

If you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter, you get Pumpkin pi.

Q. How does an old fern begin its stories?
A. Well, bracken the day.....


Q. Can you identify this brand of beer?

A. Swinus Americanus. Genus Sus.



Sedges, like hedges, have edges. Grasses, like asses, have holes

Sedges have edges, rushes are round and grasses have joints when the cops aren't around.

Two squirrels are sitting in a tree and they see a sapling on the forest floor. The first squirrel says, "That's a son of a birch".
The second squirrel says, "No, that's a son of a beech".

Quote of the day: With fronds like these, who needs anemones?

48. Happy Easter - may your day be Eggs-citing

Wishing everyone an Eggs-ceptional, Easter, hope you have an Egg-cellent day full of Egg-citement and Egg-statica. Children are Egg-cited about the Egg-ceptional chocolate Easter Eggs they have, it is no Eggs-aggeration. Everybody will need to Eggsercise after eating so much Eggstraordinary Eggs.

The Easter Rabbit had a spat with his wife
She said the dumb eggs were ruining her life
Laying eggs is so boring
Then there's your snoring
He met his demise with her carving knife...

NOTE:..apparently she borrowed the knife from
the farmer's wife, who had been having trouble
with some blind mice.

47. Testing, Testing 1. 2. 3.

Testing, testing, 1 2 3
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because its bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Testing, testing, 1 2 3
Two men were in a clinic. One of them was moaning badly, the second man asked him the reason why he was whining so badly. The first man replied, "I had come for a blood test and they cut a part of my finger." The second man replied with a great amount of fright, "Oh no! I have come for a urine test!

Memorable Quotes

Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew - Harry Carpenter, after the University Boat Race 1977.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!” - Anon

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. - Dave Barry.

The Duke of Edinburgh asked a British student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea: "You managed not to get eaten then?" - Prince Philip, 1998.

46. The luck of the Irish

"I’d like some nails," O'Toole requested of the travelling tinker. "How long would you like them?" asked the tinker. "Forever, if dat’s all right with you," said O'Toole.


"How far is it to the next village?" asked the American tourist. "It’s about seven miles," guessed the farmer. "But it’s only foive if yer run!"


Two Irishmen stopped by the police for jaywalking, Name ? said the sergeant to one,
O’Conner, says the first one,
Address ? says the sergeant,
No fixed abode says O’Conner,
And you. said the sergeant, looking at the other,
O’Brian, and I live in the flat above him…


Paddy was looking through The Bible in his hotel room when a leaflet fell from between the pages.
It said “if you have a drink problem ring this number”.
Paddy did, and he got an Off -licence in Royal Avenue…

45. A Son's Ten Commandments

1. Thou shalt always wear
CLEAN UNDERWEAR
in case thou art
in an ACCIDENT.

2. Thou shalt not telleth
SECRET TALES of thy youth,
for verily thy parents
are better off in DENIAL.

3. Thou shalt not destroy
NAKED BABY PICTURES
of thyself.

4. Thou shalt REMEMBER
thy parents' birthdays.

5. Thou shalt not holdeth
the PHONE away
from thine EAR
and thinketh
"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH"
while thou doth converse
with thy parent.

6. Thou shalt not sell thy
GIFT JUMPERS in sales of
JUMBLE, nor use them
as OIL RAGS in thy garage.

7. Thou shalt WRITE or CALL home
or DROP BY so thou mayest
keep thy parents in the loop.

8. Thou shalt not mocketh
thy relatives, calling them neither
"OLDIES" nor "WRINKLIES."

9. Thou shalt not avoid
FAMILY REUNIONS
by offering such false excuses
as "FISHING"
or "WASHING THY CAR."

10. On thy birthday thou shalt
CELEBRATE thyself mightily
for verily thou art a GOOD BLOKE
who DESERVETH a DAY OFF
from, yea, these many
COMMANDMENTS!

44. Dingoes

There were two blokes in the outback camping, and they woke to see a dingo coming towards them. The first bloke said to his mate," Gee I'm glad I wore my sneakers."
His mate replied, "That won't help you outrun that bloody dingo",
First bloke says, " I don't need to outrun the dingo, I only need to outrun you."

43. Wine vs. Water

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) --- the bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1kg of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

42. The Case of The (Un)Feathered Chickens

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying.
 He sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was a scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.

Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask.” In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers.

Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.

So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, “As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens.”
Hing agrees, saying “Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens.” The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation.

But it does not work.
Moral of the Story: “All of Hing’s courses and all of Ming’s ken couldn’t get gum tea to feather a hen.”

41. Why the rectum is the most important part of the body

THE BODY PARTS MEETING TO DECIDE WHO IS IN CHARGE

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said: "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said: "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said: YOU?!!
You don't do anything! You're not as important as we are, surely!
You can't be in charge!"

So the rectum stopped working...
After a few days, the legs were all wobbly,
the stomach was all queasy,
the hands were all shaky,
the eyes were all watery,
and the brain was all cloudy.

MORAL OF THE STORY

It only takes one arsehole to shut down a job and an arsehole is always in charge of everything.

40. Potential and Reality

Young son asks his father: "Dad, what is the difference between potential and reality?"

Dad: I'll show you.
Dad turned to his wife and ask her: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million Dollars?
Wife answers: "Yes of Course! I would never waste such an opportunity to be a millionaire"

Then dad asked his daughter if she would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.
Daughter: "Wow! Yes Yes! I will, that's my fantasy"

So Dad turned to his elder son and asks him: Son, would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?


Elder son replied: "Yeah. Why not? Imagine what I could do with a million dollars!"

Then the father turned to his younger son and said: "You see son, we have the potential to make 3 million dollars, but in reality we're living with two tarts and a pouf."