59. Smoking is BAd for your Health !?!

Please Note: This post was written on 6th February, 2018, which was exactly two years to the day that I stopped smoking. Unfortunately, I forgot to post it. 
The Author.

It is two years since I stopped smoking and after smoking for forty-seven years, I finally stopped. No patches, no stopping and starting, stopping and starting. I gave them up not because I was forced to, not because it was bad for my health, and not even because of the price - I gave up because I wanted to. I t was the right time for me to stop. I had been thinking for a while about stopping smoking - I'd have a couple of fags, then get anogher one and as I was about to light it, I'd pull a bit of a face, look at the cigarette with a grimace and think, urkg, I don't really want this, But then the other part of me said, but I want it, I need it. I'd have this back and forth thing with myself and of course, I always lit it.


Definition
CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

Twilight Nursing Home
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any chemists."

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The chap looks at her rather strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

All aboard
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, let's go"

"This one's empty ... no-one's looking... you go in first"

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"

Sniff sniff

"Ah perfume - you think of everything"

"This is great....." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

Today's quote: It has been proven that all people who smoke die... It has also been proven that all people who don't smoke die too!

58. Heaven and Hell

Heaven

is where

the cooks are French,

the police are British,

the mechanics are German,

the lovers are Italian

and

everything is organised by the Swiss.

Hell

is where

the cooks are British,

the police are German,

the mechanics are French,

the lovers are Swiss,

and

everything is organised by the Italians.

Today's quote: “I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.” ― Peter Ustinov

57. Public Conversations

So,
I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said, "Hi!, how are you?"

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine."

The voice said, "So what are you up to?"

I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!".

He said, "Can I come over?".

Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now".

The voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions."

Today's quote: Notice: Gentlemen, your Aim will help. Stand Closer, it's Shorter than you Think!

56. Are My Testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Today's quote: “ Treat you nurse well. ‘I can walk as slow or as fast as I choose to retrieve that pain medication you requested.“

55. Construction Whodunnit

Construction Whodunnit
A workman was killed at a construction site. The Police began questioning a number of the other workers.

Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Today's quote: Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

54. Doctors, Nurses and Medicos .....

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts.

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?
In the morning each of them says: "200 dollars, please."

Today's quote: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died ~ Emma Bombeck

53. A Jewish man sends his son to Israel

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "