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THE JOLLY FROG: Free speech meets basketcase. Hilarity ensues.



Wednesday, January 25, 2012

12. Pelagia's Song - Captain Corelli's Mandolin

I have been searching just for Pelagia's Song. A beautiful piece of music - the music speaks so sweetly and invokes images of many different things to different people at different times - sometimes happy, sometimes sad, but above all a dreamy-like sense of reality. One can close one's eyes and inhale the sweetness with visions of a blue sky, beautiful green trees and lying on a hillside on the grass.

I would like to share this beauty with you

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

11. The Parenting Test

Feeling "clucky"? Been admiring the darling little niece/nephew? Thinking, "Oh, wouldn't it be lovely to have a baby"?

Wait, Stop - how do you know if you're ready to be a parent? It's easy - take the parenting test.

Lesson One
Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

Lesson Two - Night Test
1. Between the hours of 5 pm and 10 pm, tune a radio to loud static and walk around the lounge room carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 6 kg.
2. Put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Between 12 and 1 am get up and walk around the lounge room again, with the bag.
4. Set the alarm for 3 am.
5. 2 am; Get up and make a drink so you can get back to sleep.
6. 2.45 am; Go back to bed.
7. 3 am; Get up, the alarm went off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. Again, with the wet bag.
9. Set the alarm for 5 am.
10. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Lesson Three - Mess Test
1.Smear peanut butter onto the couch and jam onto the curtains.
2. Stick your fingers in poo. Rub them on clean walls.
3. Cover the stains with crayons.
4. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Lesson Four - Dressing Test
1. Buy an octopus - a live one of course and a small bag made of loose mesh.
2.Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Lesson Five - Shopping Test
1.Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you when you go to the supermarket.
2. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Lesson Six - Creativity Test
1. Take an egg carton.
2. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into a crocodile.
3. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper.
4. Using only sticky tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
5. Take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball and an empty Coco Pops packet.
6. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Lesson Seven - Feeding Test
1. Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
2. Suspend from the ceiling with a sturdy cord. Start the jug swinging.
3. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Coco Pops or Fruit Loops) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an aeroplane.
4. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.


Lesson Eight - Travel Test I
1.Buy a chocolate ice-cream cone and put it in the glove box of your car. Leave it there.
2. Get a dollar coin. Stick it in the cassette/CD player.
3.Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them into the back seat.
4. Run a rake along both sides of the car.
There. Perfect.

Lesson Nine - Hearing Test
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "Mummy" repeatedly.
2. Leave no more than a four-second delay between each "Mummy".
3. Include an occasional crescendo of this sound to the decibel level of a supersonic jet.
4. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.

Lesson Ten - Travel Test II
1. Borrow a pitbull terrier.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pitbull in the seat.

Okay, now you're ready.

Edited to add: Final Assignment
Find a couple who have a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet-training, and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Friday, December 23, 2011

10. Three Old Ladies

There were three old ladies sitting around the kitchen table - Gertrude, Eunice and Harriet.

Gertrude said, "I think I'll go upstairs now and take a bath."

She took all her clothes off as she was filling up the tub, she had one foot in the tub and the other still outside. She said, "Was I getting into the tub or coming out of the tub?"

Eunice and Harriet were downstairs chatting with each other, when Eunice said, "You know, Gertrude's been up there for quite a while - I'd better go and check on her."

As she was going up the stairs, she stopped and turned around and said, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down the stairs?"

Harriet was left sitting at the table by herself. After she heard Eunice's remark, she said, "Thank goodness I'm not that bad, knock on wood. Was that the front door or the back door?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

9. In The Navy

A Navy Admiral was being court-martialled for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying.
Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the charges was that of "being out of uniform."

The Admiral's solicitor argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged."

The Admiral was acquitted.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

8. Christmas symbols

˛.★ MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR ★ 。
˛°_██_.。./ ♥ \ .˛* .˛。.˛..♥EVRYONE EVERYWHERE♥
˛. (´• ̮•)*.。*/♫.♫\*˛.* ˛_Π_____ ˛* ˛**★* 。*˛..★
.°( . • . ) ˛°./• '♫ ' •\.˛*./______/~\*. ˛*.。˛* ˛. *。
*(...'•'.. ) *˛╬╬╬╬╬˛°.|田田 |門|╬╬╬╬╬*˚ .˛



¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(*)
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨**
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨*o*
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨*♥*o*
...¨¨¨¨¨***o***
¨¨¨¨¨¨**o**♥*o*
¨¨¨¨¨**♥**o**o**
¨¨¨¨**o**♥***♥*o*
¨¨¨*****♥*o**o****
¨¨**♥**o*****o**♥**
¨******o*****♥**o***
****o***♥**o***o***♥ *
¨¨¨¨¨____!_!____
¨¨¨¨¨\_________/¨¨¨


¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨★
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨**
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨*o*
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨*♥*o*
...¨¨¨¨¨¨¨***o***
¨¨¨¨¨¨**o**♥*o*
¨¨¨¨¨**♥**o**o**
¨¨¨¨**o**♥***♥*o*
¨¨¨*****♥*o**o****
¨¨**♥**o*****o**♥**
¨******o*****♥**o***
****o***♥**o***o***♥ *
¨¨¨¨¨____!_!____
¨¨¨¨¨\_________/¨¨¨

._| |_
.(^.^).
\(.....) /|
( _ _ )


..........(¯`O´¯)
…………*./ | \ .*
…………..*♫*.
………, • '*♥♥* ' • ,
……. '*• ♫♫♫•*'
….. ' , • '♫ ' • , '
….' * • ♫*♥♥*♫• '
… , • Merry' • , '
… ' •♫♫*♥♥*♫♫ • ' * '
' ' • Christmas . • ' ' '
' ' • ♫♫♫*♥♥*♫♫♫• * ' '
…………..x♥♥x
…………….♥♥



………..…(¯`O´¯)
………..…*./ | \ .*
……...……..*♫*.
……..…, • '*♥* ' • ,
…....…. '*• ♫♫♫•*'
…..... ' *, ♥ '♫ ' ♥ ,* '
…......' * • ♫*♥*♫• *
¨¨¨***♫**♥**♫** **
¨¨***♫**♥***♥*♫* **
¨¨*****♥*♫**♥*******
¨***♥**♫*****♥**♫****
¨******♥*****♫**♥*****
****♫***♥**♫***♥***♫ **
¨¨¨¨ ¨____!_!____
¨¨¨¨¨\_________/¨¨¨


………..…(¯`O´¯)
………..…*./ | \ .*
……...……..*♫*.
……..…, • '*♥* ' • ,
…....…. '*• ♫♫♫•*'
…..... ' *, ♥ '♫ ' ♥ ,* '
…......' * • ♫*♥*♫• *
¨¨¨***♫**♥**♫** **
¨¨***♫**♥***♥*♫* **
¨¨*****♥*♫**♥*******
¨***♥**♫*****♥**♫****
¨******♥*****♫**♥*****
****♫***♥**♫***♥***♫ **
¨¨¨¨¨____!_!____
¨¨¨¨¨\_________/¨¨¨
 
 
 


*★Merry★* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★Christmas★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~\。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ | 田田 |門| ˚★To all my family★
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ --------------˚ ˛ ★and to my friends★



*★Merry★* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★Christmas★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~\。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ | 田田 |門| ˚★To all my family★
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ --------------˚ ˛ ★and to all my friends★


Merry Christmas snowman
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##▒░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░##


*★Merry★* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • ♥
•。★Christmas★ 。* 。
° 。°˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚˛ •˛•˚ */______/~\。˚ ˚ ˛
*° •˛• ☃| 田田 |門| ☃˚╰☆╮And a Happy New Year╰☆╮



(¯`O´¯)

..../ | \ .
….♫.
, • '*♥* ' •
'*• ♫♫♫•*



˛.★ MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR ★ 。
˛°_██_.。./ ♥ \ .˛* .˛。.˛..♥FRIENDS AND FAMILY♥
˛. (´• ̮•)*.。*/♫.♫\*˛.* ˛_Π_____ ˛* ˛**★* 。*˛..★
.°( . • . ) ˛°./• '♫ ' •\.˛*./______/~\*. ˛*.。˛* ˛. *。
*(...'•'.. ) *˛╬╬╬╬╬˛°.|田田 |門|╬╬╬╬╬*˚ .˛

7. Symbols

╔══════════════════╗
║.(¯`♥´¯)´´¯`•°*”˜˜”*°•. ƸӜƷ
║.`*.¸.*.•°*”˜˜”*°•.ƸӜƷ
║.•°*”˜˜”*°•.ƸӜƷ ✶* ¸ .✫ ♥
║✿ нαppy мoтнer´ѕ dαy ✿
╚══════════════════╝

╔══════════════════╗
║.(¯`♥´¯)´´¯`•°*”˜˜”*°•. ƸӜƷ
║.`*.¸.*.•°*”˜˜”*°•.ƸӜƷ
║.•°*”˜˜”*°•.ƸӜƷ ✶* ¸ .✫ ♥
║✿ нαppy мoтнer´ѕ dαy ✿
╚══════════════════╝






******** @-@-@-@********
****** @--------------@******
**** @-------------------@*****
*** @------- нαρρу ------@****
** @-------- єαѕтєя -------@***
** @---(\(\----------/)/)----@***
** @---(=':')-------(':'=)---@***
** @--(..(")(")..(")(")..)----@***
*** @----------------------@****
***** @----------------@******
******** @-@-@-@********



╔══════════════════╗
║.(¯`♥´¯)´´¯`•°*”˜˜”*°•. ƸӜƷ
║.`*.¸.*.•°*”˜˜”*°•.ƸӜƷ
║.•°*”˜˜”*°•.ƸӜƷ ✶* ¸ .✫ ♥
║✿ нαppy мoтнer´ѕ dαy ✿
╚══════════════════╝


******** @-@-@-@********
****** @--------------@******
**** @-------------------@*****
*** @------- нαρρу ------@****
** @-------- єαѕтєя -------@***
** @---(\(\----------/)/)----@***
** @---(=':')-------(':'=)---@***
** @--(..(")(")..(")(")..)----@***
*** @----------------------@****
***** @----------------@******
******** @-@-@-@********
 


 



******** @-@-@-@********
****** @--------------@******
**** @-------------------@*****
*** @------- нαρρу ------@****
** @-------- єαѕтєя -------@***
** @---(\(\----------/)/)----@***
** @---(=':')-------(':'=)---@***
** @--(..(")(")..(")(")..)----@***
*** @----------------------@****
***** @----------------@******
******** @-@-@-@********

6. Christmas symbols

*./ | .* ..**. , `** ` , . `* *` .. ` *, ` ` ,* ` .` * ** *` .* , Merry` , *` ` * ` ** ` * ` `` * ` . Christmas . ` * ` ` ` ` * ** * ` ` xxx...........




* * * * Merry_██_ Christmas
************(´• ̮•)*.*/♫.♫*˛.* ˛_Π_____.♥ ♥ ˛* ˛* .°( . • . ) ˛°./• '♫ ' •.˛*./_____(..'•'') *˛╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬╬*˚ .˛ *.


*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛★˛˚˛*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.*� �* Merry *★* 。*˛. ˛°_██_*.。*. / ♥ .˛* .˛。.˛.*.★* Christmas *★ 。* ˛. (´• ̮•)*.。*/♫.♫*˛.* ˛_Π_____.♥ ♥ ˛* ˛* .°( . • . ) ˛°./• '♫ ' •.˛*./______/~\*. ˛*.。˛* ˛. *。 *(...'•'.. ) *˛╬╬╬╬╬˛°.|田田 |門|╬╬╬╬╬*˚ .˛ *.

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Someone said: :D *˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛★˛˚˛*˛°.˛*.˛°˛ .*★* Merry *★* 。*˛. ˛°_██_*.。*. / ♥ .˛* .˛。.˛.*.★* Christmas *★ 。* ˛. (´• ̮•)*.。*/♫.♫*˛.* ˛_Π_____.♥ ♥ ˛* ˛* .°( . • . ) ˛°./• '♫ ' •.˛*./______/~\*. ˛*.。˛* ˛. *。 *(...'•'.. ) *˛╬╬╬╬╬˛°.|田田 |門|╬╬╬╬╬*˚ .˛ *.

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Someone said: …………(¯`O´¯) …………*./ | .* …………..*♫*. ………, • '*♥* ' • , ……. '*• ♫♫♫•*' ….. ' *, • '♫ ' • ,* ' ….' * • ♫*♥*♫• * ' … * , • Merry' • , * ' …* ' •♫♫*♥*♫♫ • ' * ' ' ' • Christmas . • ' ' ' ' ' • ♫♫♫*♥*♫♫♫• * ' ' …………..x♥x …………….♥


meone said: …………(¯`O´¯) …………*./ | .* …………..*♫*. ………, • '*♥* ' • , ……. '*• ♫♫♫•*' ….. ' *, • '♫ ' • ,* ' ….' * • ♫*♥*♫• * ' … * , • Merry' • , * ' …* ' •♫♫*♥*♫♫ • ' * ' ' ' • Christmas . • ' ' ' ' ' • ♫♫♫*♥*♫♫♫• * ' ' …………..x♥x …………….♥

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Someone said: *˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛★˛˚˛*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.*� �* Merry *★* 。*˛. ˛°_██_*.。*. / ♥ .˛* .˛。.˛.*.★* Christmas *★ 。* ˛. (´• ̮•)*.。*/♫.♫*˛.* ˛_Π_____.♥ ♥ ˛* ˛* .°( . • . ) ˛°./• '♫ ' •.˛*./______/~\*. ˛*.。˛* ˛. *。 *(...'•'.. ) *˛╬╬╬╬╬˛°.|田田 |門|╬╬╬╬╬*˚ .˛ *.

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Someone said: :D *˛°.˛*.˛°˛.˛★˛˚˛*˛°.˛*.˛°˛ .*★* Merry *★* 。*˛. ˛°_██_*.。*. / ♥ .˛* .˛。.˛.*.★* Christmas *★ 。* ˛. (´• ̮•)*.。*/♫.♫*˛.* ˛_Π_____.♥ ♥ ˛* ˛* .°( . • . ) ˛°./• '♫ ' •.˛*./______/~\*. ˛*.。˛* ˛. *。 *(...'•'.. ) *˛╬╬╬╬╬˛°.|田田 |門|╬╬╬╬╬*˚ .˛ *.

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