33. The Job Referral Letter

December 6, 2013.

Re: Letter of Reference
To: Alistair Jenkins


To Whom It May Concern:

John Sanders, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. John works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. John never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. John is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that John can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that John be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.


Theo Clark, Branch Manager.


A second note following the report:


December 6, 2013.

Re: Letter of Reference
To: Alistair Jenkins


Mr. Sanders was present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,.......
for my true assessment of him.

32. Two Dunnies

One of my favourite quotes from Crocodile Dundee was when Mick arrived in New York and was being shown his opulent hotel room. ON being shown the bathroom, he is confronted with two toilets. Amazed, he calls out, "Hey Sue, some nitwit's put two dunnies in here"
It just goes to show that humour can be gentle and doesn't need to rely on bad language or swear words.

Note: As the video clip is not a youtube one, I can only provide the link.

31. Tampons

Two young boys walked into the chemist shop one day, picked out a box of Tampax then went to the counter to pay. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight and a half," the boy answered. The man then said, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "No, not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for my brother, he's four. We saw on the telly that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike and he can't do either one."

30. The Office Memo

Dear Employees,

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. However, we realise the critical importance of accurately expressing your thoughts when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, we have provided a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases so proper exchange of ideas may continue in an effective manner.


INSTEAD OF: .................................................................TRY SAYING:

1. You don't know what the f*** you're doing - I think you could use more training

2. She's a ball-busting b***h - She's an aggressive go-getter

3. And when the f*** do you expect me to do this? - Perhaps I can work late

4. No f***ing way - I'm certain that isn't feasible

5. You've got to be sh**ing me! - Really?

6. Tell someone who give a sh** - Perhaps you should check with...

7. It's not my f***ing problem - I wasn't involved in the project

8. What the f***? - That's interesting

9. This sh** won't work - I'm not sure this can be implemented

10. Why the f*** didn't you tell me sooner? - I'll try to schedule that

11. He's got his head up his a*** - He's not familiar with the issues

12. Eat sh** and die - Excuse me sir?

13. Kiss my a*** - So you weren't happy with it?

14. F*** it, I'm on salary - I'm a bit overloaded at the moment

15. Shove it up your a*** - I don't think you understand

16. This job sucks - I love a challenge

17. Who the f*** died and made you boss? - You want me to take care of that?

18. He's a pr*ck - He's somewhat insensitive


Thank you,

Human Resources.

29. Are you lonesome tonight (Senior Citizen Version)

Listen to the sounds of Elvis ...

28. Lost Luggage

27. The Pillsbury Dough Boy

The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 51. Dough boy was survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. The Funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

26. Airline Safety

Things you do not want to hear when flying

Is that plane coming towards us?

 

Let me in!

 

The man entrusted to repair the plane

 

25. The Compliment

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding."
His eye is still swollen, but it will get better ...

24. A Question of Colour

When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.

And you white people
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey

And you call me coloured?

23. There Was a Young Lady...

There was a young lady named Banker
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
She awoke in dismay
When she heard the mate say,
"Now hoist up the top-sheet and spanker!"